Shattered
by BadWolfInk
Summary: Natasha learns something about Steve's past that sets her off.


Natasha didn't know how, but she ended up sitting on the sofa in the lounge listening to Steve talk about his life. She thought she might be about as old as him, but she wouldn't say anything because she couldn't be sure. Her memories were not to be trusted.

Steve showed her pictures as he talked. She admitted Peggy was pretty and she felt herself wondering what she did when Steve disappeared and if she had seen the news footage. Or even if she was still alive. He talked about his friend Bucky, who had fallen to his death before they could stop the Red Skull together.

Something snapped in her when he unfolded a picture of his friend. The very thing that was keeping her together shattered and everything went red. She jumped on him, cut him with the knife she never went without, screamed at him in Russian and shoved his confused face into the floor. Strong arms clamped around her and pulled her off and she fought him too, striking again and again at anyone who came close to her until she felt a prick and everything changed from red to black.

She woke up restrained in a white room with no meaning, no comfort. She was alone. _Not again. No. This isn't happening._She struggled against the bindings, ignoring the feel of them biting into her flesh. Because the Red Room was really white and it wasn't...she wanted to die. She'd rather die.

And then a voice crossed over her and it was English, not Russian, gentle, not harsh, and _oh._

"Tasha come back to me, okay? You're in America, New York, at a SHIELD base. Tash, it's just me, Clint. You're okay. I won't hurt you, I promise." Gentle hands felt the pulse in her wrist, gentle fingers brushed curls from her face and skirted across her cheek. And then there was a smile. "You're back," and it was more full of hope than surety and she wanted to cry.

_Why don't you believe in me?_ But the words wouldn't come and she settled under his touch. It came together and the bonds reformed. She crawled out of the dust and wreckage and came to stand, rebuilt once again on her own solid ground. Hers because it was the only thing she could trust.

He pulled a chair up beside her bed but he didn't loosen the straps holding her down. "Steve had to go to the hospital," he said quietly. "Even his enhancements couldn't heal him fast enough. Three of his ribs are broken, he has internal bleeding, and he's cut up pretty bad. I made it out with bruised ribs and a fractured wrist. Tony has a concussion. Bruce stayed away, thankfully. I had to tranq you, I'm sorry."

"And you say this to make me feel guilty?" The words came out with more venom than she intended and when Clint winced, she tried to reach out toward him. "I'm sorry." Those words came out as a whimper.

"You're still working through it, leveling out, Tasha. It's going to be okay." His hand found hers and he squeezed gently. "You were triggered by a memory but we know not to bring it up anymore. What's most important is that you're okay."

"I'm sorry. It's just James...he was the best. But..." Natasha closed her eyes and struggled again. She reached out for the one thing she knew was real. "Clint."

He steadied her. "Don't think about it, Tasha. Focus on now. Focus on me." He massaged her palm and she relaxed. "I'm going to let you go now," he said gently.

She stayed in place after the restraints were removed but then launched herself into his lap. Clint held her. He knew she wasn't done building yet, that she still had a long way to go and at any moment she could take a step back and kill him but she needed trust and his help to build again. Because it was by far not the first time she had crumbled but he knew it wouldn't be the last. Because this was Natasha, and he knew her, knew that every day was a battle for her to stay sane in an ever changing world.

Natasha would come back stronger, he knew that too. And he wondered if one day she'd stop breaking and become what she was meant to be.

But for now she needed time to recover and that meant staying away from everyone she'd hurt. Excluding himself because she'd hurt him too long ago and too soon because he forgave her every time. It was time for the team to do the same.

* * *

**Author's note: ** I got a review asking why Natasha reacted that way over a picture of Bucky. In the comics, Bucky is found by the KGB and turned into the Winter Soldier (aka he didn't die when he fell off the train). He was one of Natasha's trainers briefly and also they were lovers. In The Name of the Rose, Bucky's takes over as Captain America (because there's so many AUs in Marvel that are all canon) and he and Natasha have a thing. So Bucky is a reminder of her past in the Red Room, and when those memories were brought up, she snapped back to the way she was. Because I like to think that she wasn't fully rehabed when Clint brought her in, that she still has spells because that's a part of her she can't get rid of completely: her past.


End file.
